Chapter 11 - The Practice of Personal Integrity
Note to the reader: This is chapter 11 of an 11 part series of notes / important ideas gathered from my reading of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden.
The author defines integrity as the integration of ideals, convictions, standards, beliefs, and our behavior. When our behavior is in congruence with our values, we have integrity.
Branden notes that before the issue of integrity can even be discussed, one must have principles of behavior - moral convictions about what is right and wrong. If we do not hold such standards yet, we cannot speak about integrity - we are on too low of a developmental rung to discuss the issue.
When we behave in ways that conflict with our judgment of what is appropriate, we lose face in our own eyes. We respect ourselves less. If the policy becomes habitual, we trust ourselves less or cease to trust ourselves at all.
I found this quote to be particularly meaningful. If I can’t live up to my own standards, how could I possibly have self-respect? I am not dealing with reality as I see it adequately. How can I enjoy good feelings about myself if I cannot deal with reality appropriately? How can I trust the contents of my mind if my mind does not appropriately deal with the challenges of life. How can I enjoy self-respect if my actions are not in congruence with what I think is right or wrong?
When a breach of integrity wounds self-esteem, only the practice of integrity can heal it.
At the simplest level, personal integrity entails questions such as:
- Am I honest, reliable, and trustworthy?
- Do I keep my promises?
- Do I do the things I say I admire and do I avoid the things I say I deplore?
- Am I fair and just in my dealings with others?
Integrity does not guarantee that we will make the best choice; it only asks that our attempt at finding the best choice be authentic. Integrity asks that we stay connected with our knowledge, that we remain conscious, that we take responsibility for our choices and actions, and that we do not escape into a mental fog.
Congruence
Integrity entails congruence. One does what one says he or she will do. If we examine what it means to be trustworthy, we will see that congruence is basic. We trust congruence and are suspicious of incongruence.
To be trustworthy means to do what I say I will do. When words and actions do not match, we lose trustworthiness.
When We Betray Our Standards
To understand why lapses of integrity are detrimental to self-esteem, observe the following:
- If I act in contradiction to a moral value held by someone else, but not myself - I may be wrong, but personal integrity does not suffer.
- If I act in contradiction to a moral value held by myself, I betray my own mind. Hypocrisy, by its very nature is self-invalidating. I am not respecting myself if I act against my own mind, against my own beliefs. It is mind invalidating mind.
A default on integrity undermines me and contaminates my sense of self. It damages me as no external rebuke or rejection damages me.
If I am uniquely situated to raise my self-esteem, I am also uniquely situated to lower it.
A common default on personal integrity occurs when one tells themselves, “Only I will know”. It occurs when one tell themselves: “Only I will know that I ripped off my customer.” “Only I will know that I’m a liar.” “Only I will know that I don’t plan on keeping my promise”.
What this means is that my judgment is unimportant and that only the judgment of others is what matters. In the realm of self-esteem, mine is the only judgment that counts. We can avoid people who learn the truth about us, but we cannot avoid ourselves.
A tragedy of so many lives is that people greatly underestimate the self-esteem costs and consequences of hypocrisy and dishonesty. They imagine that at worst all that is involved is some discomfort. But it is the spirit itself that is contaminated.
Dealing with Guilt
Guilt means moral self-reproach. I did wrong when it was possible for me to do right. With guilt, there is always a moral choice, whether we are conscious of it or not. If I go against my values, of what I think is right and wrong, and do what I think is wrong, I will feel guilty. If it is proven to me that my actions go against my standard of right and wrong, I feel guilt.
Note that guilt is tied with actions that we may have taken or not taken. This is important because it highlights the limits of personal responsibility. Where there is no power, there is no responsibility. Where there is no responsibility, there can be no guilt. If we have no choice in the matter, we cannot possibly feel guilty as there is nothing we could have done differently.
The idea of Original Sin - of guilt where there is no possibility of innocence, no freedom of choice, no alternatives available - is anti-self-esteem by its very nature. The very notion of guilt without volition or responsibility is an assault on reason as well as on morality.
In general, five steps are needed to restore integrity if a breach has occurred.
We must own the fact that it is we who have taken the particular action. We must face and accept the full reality of what we have done, without disowning or avoidance. We own, we accept, we take responsibility.
We seek to understand why we did what we did. We do this compassionately (as discussed under the practice of self-acceptance), but without evasive alibiing.
If others are involved, as they often are, we acknowledge explicitly to the relevant person or persons the harm we have done. We convey our understanding of the consequences of our behavior. We acknowledge how they have been affected by us. We convey understanding of their feelings.
We take any and all actions available that might make amends for or minimize the harm we have done.
We firmly commit ourselves to behaving differently in the future.
Sometimes there is no way for us to undo the harm that we have done, but if we do not do all that is possible and appropriate, guilt will linger on.
When guilt is a consequence of failed integrity, nothing less than an act of integrity can redress the breach.
What If Our Values Are Irrational?
The issue of living up to our standards is not always simple. A problem arises when our standards are irrational or mistaken. This is a problem that can come up when one begins to think critically about certain religious teachings (rather than blindly accepting without questioning). There are religious teachings that damn pleasure, damn sex, damn the body, damn achievement, damn (for all intents and purposes) any kind of pleasure on earth. If we are ingrained with these teachings, and if we do not think critically about them, “hypocrisy” may be all that is keeping us alive on this planet.
Once we see that living up to our standards appears to be leading us towards self-destruction, the time has come to question our standards rather than simply resigning ourselves to living without integrity. We must summon the courage to challenge some of our deepest assumptions concerning what we have been taught to regard as the good.
Branden offers a few examples of the struggle and confusion caused by irrational values in everyday life:
- Women who struggle with the moral dilemmas of the Catholic church being against birth-control pills or abortion.
- Hard-working ambitious men and women, who, at the start of their careers are encouraged to succeed - but when they do commit the sin of success, are told that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich person to enter the kingdom of heaven.
- Wives who sense that the traditional view of woman-as-servant-to-man is a morality of self-annihilation.
- Young men struggling with the choice between complying with or fleeing from military conscription.
- Young persons rebelling against the values of their parents, and not knowing what vision of the good to live by instead.
To resolve any of the conflicts listed above, or the countless others like them, one would have to rethink one’s deepest values, commitments, and priorities - or perhaps think about them for the first time - and be willing, if necessary, to challenge any and all authorities.
The Intersection between Living Consciously and Personal Integrity
One area where living consciously and integrity intersect is in the area of choosing our values. To live consciously, means to choose the values that we live by. This means to reflect on the values we have been taught, the assumptions made by our family or culture, the roles we have been assigned - and to question whether or not these beliefs are truly in our best interest. Do these values and beliefs support the best within us, or do they do violence to it?
We must think about who we are, what we want out of life, what is appropriate and right for us, as opposed to allowing others to answer these questions for us.
One of the penalties for living unconsciously - for both sexes - is that of enduring unrewarding lives in the service of self-stultifying ends never examined or chosen with awareness by the individuals involved.
The Principle of Reciprocal Causation
Behaviors that generate good self-esteem are also expressions of good self-esteem. This idea is known as the principle of reciprocal causation. Living consciously is a cause and effect of self-efficacy and self-respect. The same is true for the other pillars of self-esteem.
The more I live consciously, the more I trust my mind and respect my worth. If I trust my mind and respect my worth, then it feels natural to live consciously. The more I live with integrity, the more I enjoy good self-esteem. If I enjoy good self-esteem, it feels natural to live with integrity. There is a feedback loop between belief and action. My actions influence my beliefs, and my beliefs influence my actions.
Additionally, practicing the pillars of self-esteem creates a need for them over time. If I consistently live consciously and trust my mind, darkness, obscurity and mental fog will make me feel uncomfortable. I will strive to reach for clarity and understanding. If I consistently practice self-responsibility, dependency and passivity will feel onerous to me. I will experience internal pressure to take actions that will help me feel more in control of my life, and independent. If I consistently practice integrity, dishonesty on my part will feel disturbing, and I will feel an internal thrust to restore moral cleanliness.
The pillars of self-esteem make one feel good about themselves, competent to live life and to be happy. Defaulting on the practices will feel uncomfortable, and will create internal pressure to reassert behaviors that exemplify positive self-esteem.
Conclusion
If we examine our lives, we may notice that our practice of personal integrity is inconsistent. There are areas where we practice it more, and areas where we practice it less. What stands in the way of us practicing integrity consistently? What would happen if we lived our values consistently?
It may strike the reader, upon reflecting on the list of self-esteem practices, that they sound like a code of ethics. This is true. The virtues that self-esteem asks of us are also those that life asks of us.