Chapter 9 - The Practice of Self-Assertiveness

Note to the reader: This is chapter 9 of an 11 part series of notes / important ideas gathered from my reading of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden.

Self-assertiveness is the will to honor, and to voice my wants, needs, and desires. Self-assertiveness is the conviction that self-expression is important, and within the appropriate contexts, it should be expressed.

The opposite of self-assertiveness is to surrender oneself to silence. It is to fake one’s own existence, to disown one’s own thoughts in order to be liked. It is to wait to be delivered, to be rescued, to be helpless when the choice exists to speak, to assert, to put into reality.

Self-assertiveness is the act of being real.

The author cautions that context is important and relevant here. Every situation has appropriate and inappropriate forms of assertiveness. The way one practices self-assertiveness with a child is very different from the way one practices self-assertiveness in a staff meeting.

Self-assertion does not mean belligerence or inappropriate aggressiveness; it does not mean pushing to the front of the line or knocking over other people over; it does not mean upholding my own rights while being blind or indifferent to everyone else’s. It simply means the willingness to stand up for myself, to be who I am openly, to treat myself with respect in all human encounters. It means the refusal to fake my person to be liked.

What Self-Assertiveness Entails

1. The most basic form of self-assertiveness is the assertion of consciousness. This means the choice to see, to think, to be present to the external and the internal. Asking questions is an act of self-assertiveness. Challenging authority is an act of self-assertiveness. Thinking for oneself, and to stand by what one thinks is at the root of self-assertiveness.

While healthy self-assertiveness asks that we say “no” to that which we are against, it is ultimately tested by things that we are for. A life that is a string of negations is a tragedy. The ultimate act of self-assertiveness is to stand up for what we want in life. Self-assertiveness is the willingness to live and express our values. The author mentions that in this respect, self-assertiveness is intimately tied to personal integrity and the choice of one’s values.

Self-assertiveness begins with the act of thinking but must not end there. Self-assertiveness entails bringing ourselves into the world. To aspire is not yet self-assertion, or just barely; but to bring our aspirations into reality is. To hold values is not yet self-assertion, or just barely; to pursue them and stand by them in the world is. One of the great self-delusions is to think of oneself as “a valuer” or “an idealist” while not pursuing one’s values in reality. To dream one’s life away is not self-assertion; to be able to say, at the end, “While my life was happening, I was there, I lived it“, is.

2. To practice self-assertiveness means to understand that one’s life is their own. That one does not exist for the sake of others and that others do not exist for one’s sake. We are not here on earth to fulfill the expectations of others. We are here to express our values, and to live on our own terms. To many people, this can be frightening, because it means that mother, father, and other authority figures are not to be counted on as protectors nor generators of our personal happiness. It means that we are responsible for generating our own happiness, and our own security. It is not fear of the responsibility, but surrender to the fear that subverts positive self-esteem.

To practice self-assertiveness means to possess the conviction that our wants and needs are important. Unfortunately, this is rarely taught in childhood. What is taught is that our wants and needs are not important, and that what others want is important. Perhaps we were intimidated by labels of “selfishness” when we attempted to stand up for ourselves.

It often takes courage to honor what we want and to fight for it. For many people, self-surrender and self-sacrifice are far easier. They do not require the integrity and responsibility that intelligent selfishness requires.

The irony is that when people give up on their deepest needs and yearnings, they sometimes become “selfish” in the petty sense, grasping at trivia after they have surrendered their true wants, needs and desires. They do not know what they truly betrayed.

3. Within an organization, self-assertiveness is required not only to have a good idea, but to express it, to fight for it, to win supporters, to do anything and everything to make it a reality. It is the lack of self-assertiveness that causes so many potential contributions to die before they are born.

Without appropriate self-assertiveness, we are spectators, not participants. Healthy self-esteem asks that we leap into the arena - that we be willing to get our hands dirty.

4. Self-assertiveness asks of us that we confront challenges in our lives, rather than running away from them. It asks that we strive for mastery and understanding.

When we expand the boundaries of our ability to cope, we expand self-efficacy and self-respect. When we commit ourselves to new areas of learning, when we take on tasks that stretch us, we raise personal power. We thrust ourselves further into the universe. We assert our existence.

It is an act of self-assertiveness to persevere in the face of difficulties. When we attempt to understand something and hit a wall, it is an act of self-assertiveness to persevere. When we choose to acquire new skills, absorb new knowledge, extend the reach of our mind to the new and unfamiliar, when we commit ourselves to moving to a higher level of competence and effectiveness - we are practicing self-assertiveness.

When we learn how to be in an intimate relationship without abandoning our sense of self, when we learn how to be kind without self-sacrificing, when we learn how to cooperate with others without betraying our standards and convictions, we are practicing self-assertiveness.

Fear Of Self-Assertiveness

The American culture is that of individualism. Expressions of self-assertiveness are more acceptable in the United States than in other culture. Not all cultures place value on the individual. Not all cultures see equal merit in self-expression. In cultures where it is more desirable to fit in, rather than stand out, one will not embrace self-assertiveness.

If one gains safety through affiliation with the tribe, the family, the group, the community, the company, the collective, then even self-esteem becomes threatening and frightening - because it symbolizes the process of individuation - the unfolding of personal identity - which entails separateness.

In such cases, the unfolding of personal identity raises fears of isolation to those who have not achieved it. Therefore, such people do not understand that far from being the enemy of community, it is a necessary precondition. A healthy society is a union of self-respecting individuals.

A well-realized man or woman is one that has moved along two developmental tracks, one of individuation and the other of relationship. Autonomy and capacity for human relationship and connectedness.

Persons with an underdeveloped sense of identity often tell themselves, if I express myself, I may evoke disapproval. If I love and affirm myself, I may evoke resentment. If I am too happy with myself, I may evoke jealousy. If I stand out, I may be compelled to stand alone. They remain frozen in the face of such possibilities - and pay a terrible price in the loss of self-esteem.

While the term “individuation” is modern, the idea it expresses is at least as old as Aristotle. We think of the striving of the human being toward wholeness, toward completion, an internal thrust toward self-realization or self-actualization reminiscent of Aristotle’s concept of entelechy. The thrust toward self-realization is intimately associated with our highest expressions of artistic and scientific genius. In the modern world, it is also associated with political freedom, with the liberation of humankind from centuries of servitude to one kind of tribe or another.

Characteristics Of Non-Self-Assertiveness

Some people stand and move as if they have no right to exist. Some people speak as if their intention is to make sure you cannot hear them, because they mumble or speak faintly. This being said, not all manifestations of non-self-assertiveness are obvious. The average life is marked by thousands of surrenders, silences, capitulations, and misrepresentations of feelings and beliefs that corrode self-esteem.

When we do not express ourselves, do not assert our being, do not stand up for our values in context where it is appropriate to do so, we inflict wounds on our sense of self. The world does not do it to us - we do it to ourselves.

Conclusion

We are reminded that there is a feedback loop between our actions and self-esteem. Healthy self-assertiveness reinforces our self-esteem, and our self-esteem influences the likelihood for us to choose self-assertiveness. Actions that support healthy self-esteem are also expressions of healthy self-esteem.